The Miracle of Healing, Pt. 4

   Today, I'm wrapping up my series on The Miracle of Healing. I'm relieved to be at the end of this series and I'm excited to move on to sharing more of my journey with you. You can find the previous parts of this series by following these links: Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.

   Here I am, writing about healing, but before I saw any improvement physically, I got worse. Yes, worse! What in the world does getting worse have to do with healing, you might ask. As I've mentioned before, I truly believe God is more concerned with our spiritual health than our physical health.

   As my health continued to decline despite countless prayers, medical intervention sought and lifestyle changes I made, thinking they would somehow better my situation, I realized I was losing control rapidly. The situation was just running away from me. I thought I could somehow control what was happening. Who was I kidding?! I was never in control to begin with!

   I could hardly do anything! The harder I pushed to get better, the worse I got. The more I tried controlling my situation, the weaker I became and soon, my health was so deteriorated, I could barely walk.

   Oh, how my flesh fought, resisted, and resented this humble position of needing others to do things for me that had been so easy before. Needing medication to sleep, needing my husband to wheel me into doctor appointments because I was too weak to walk, needing my mom's help in numerous ways, needing to depend on my older kids for things I could have easily done before. Needing, needing, needing!

   I love to do! I thrive on doing things for others, for God. But God took my ability to do away and as I spent so many long days with Him, over and over He would say, "I love you, not because of what you can do. I just love you." I couldn't understand that. It didn't make sense to this self-sufficient, self-reliant, proud, able-bodied, independent, performance-driven, stubborn-bent person - Me. God just loved me, even though I couldn't do anything for Him? I couldn't be the wife, mom, friend, or Christian that I thought would make God happy. I no longer possessed the ability to be the ideal of all of those roles, or at least the ideal I had in my mind.  All I could do was just sit or lie there and cry at times, and He actually loved me when that was all I could do? That completely blew my view of God out of the water and changed the way I had been looking at Him and at myself. My errored view of myself and God had to be fixed and God used my sickness to remedy those areas.

   The time I spent with the Lord when He was all I had to hold on to in my darkest hours, they are the sweetest that I have ever known. In those moments on death's doorstep, I was so close to God. As I look back at that time now, while I was getting what I thought was a taste of hell, I also can't deny the incomparable intimacy I experienced with the Lord that was as if I were in heaven. I find myself at a loss for words to describe those months. I suppose my best description would be surreal. In the middle of the agony and severe distress, there was God. His presence was so close, so near, and His love covered me and melted my heart which was hurt from lies I'd believed about God and myself.

   While I still pray for physical healing, this isn't my main objective in prayer. I am learning to look past what I want physically and submit to what God is desiring in my life spiritually. I am not to be ordering God around and demanding things from Him, but rather, my life and heart should be centered and ordered around God's will and desires. My desires and requests should be in line with His desires. Jesus is my example as I continue on my journey. He suffered more than I ever will, yet He was God.

   Instead of asking myself, "Why am I suffering?", I think it is important to ask, "Why did God suffer?" When this question is asked, it puts everything in a different perspective and helps me get my eyes off of myself and onto the Lord. Keeping my gaze heavenward and setting my mind to think eternally changes the way everything looks.

   In spite of the conflict that occurs between my flesh and spirit, there really is a peace that surpasses understanding when I am fully submitted to God's will for my life. Sometimes there are just hours in a day when I am experiencing that perfect peace and the other hours are spent battling my will to submit to God's. Some days are easier than others to be content and thankful. Other days it is a fight with my flesh to just say, "thank You, God...Your will be done."

   I am in no way saying this is easy, friends. This trial is the hardest thing I've ever faced. It has tried me beyond what I thought myself capable of enduring and I know that is only because God has been carrying me through this, covering me, sheltering me, protecting me and strengthening me. To think that God loves me so much that He would walk through this AGAIN with me. Yes, AGAIN. I say that because He already endured all this. But He is by my side, journeying with me on this path of suffering that He Himself took alone. I'm not alone. And even more than that, when I think about how much I'm hurting at times, I just remember that my Heavenly Father has me covered and He is the One receiving the heaviest of the blows. The little stones that pass through to me and hurt are nothing compared to what God is enduring for me while we walk through this together. God has my best in mind and I resolutely hold to that as I continue walking this path of suffering. Along the way, there is healing. It just doesn't always look the way we pictured it. But deep down in my heart, I know the healing God has done and continues to do in my life is better than any healing I had imagined or hoped for. Not my will, but God's be done.

   I used pictures from a visit to a butterfly exhibit throughout this post, because I feel at times that I'm stuck in a dark place that I'd like to get out of and I don't see the point of being here at times. But just like a butterfly in a cocoon, there is a transforming work being done in my heart in this dark place that takes time and I believe it is beautiful. One day, I know I will see the beauty that will be revealed that I believe in faith is being developed.

Finding healing in more ways than one,

Adriel 

Praise God, We are Debt Free!!

You may remember this post about our sudden move and such. Well friends, with a very grateful heart, I am happy to say that the sale on our house closed and as of today, we are debt free!! The bank has been paid their money and we are finally free from debt! We are very thankful for God's mercy and grace! 

Goodbye old house! We loved you and all the years we got to spend in you. =)

Praising God,

Adriel

The Miracle of Healing Pt. 3

   This is part three of this series. If you missed The Miracle of Healing Pt. 1 and The Miracle of Healing Pt. 2, I would encourage you to read them if you have the time. They serve as a backdrop to this post.

   It's amazing to look at my situation now and see all the prayers God has answered through this hardship. Prayers that I prayed months, even years before, God answered. I've been reading through old journals recently and seeing prayers written in there that I have seen God answer and can see Him answering right at this moment.

   There were three prayers in particular that I'd like to share with you.

   1. Assurance of salvation: I have struggled with my eternal security for a number of years. The method by which I was saved was not "ideal", but I can't deny that I was saved in spite of the method. I was very young when I received Christ and at the time, I can't say I had a knowledge of sin to the degree that I became aware of as I matured. I just wanted Jesus. I just wanted to be His. As I got older, I ran into areas in my life where I fell into sin that I knew were wrong. As a young married woman, the guilt from my sin made me question my salvation. Even after confession, I struggled with guilt. God was always there to reassure me, to show me how the Holy Spirit was convicting my heart, which showed I was His, I was safe and secure and that I just needed to receive His forgiveness and place my trust in His work done on the cross for me. And I would stop doubting...for awhile. But then I would do a Bible study or hear a message that talked about how a believer could never practice sin and it would remind me of my former years of sinfulness and the doubts would come back. I remember asking God why He let me sin like that and His answer, I will never forget: "To humble you."

   It was true. Growing up in a Christian home, I avoided making a lot of the outwardly common mistakes many unbelievers make. I thought I was a pretty good person. Outwardly, I appeared to be an exceptional young person, but I had hidden sin that no one knew about. However, since it wasn't seen by others, I had a very self-righteous attitude toward others whose sin was more outward. And if it hadn't been for that area of weakness in me where I seemed to continuously fail and I couldn't gain control over it no matter how hard I tried, I don't think I would've ever had a real awareness of what being set free from sin was like or what the sacrifice of Christ meant for me (unless God had somehow revealed that to me in some other manner or form). God set me free from my sin when I came to Him in humility, wanting to be free and acknowledging I couldn't be free without Him.

   God had been my Friend for so long and I had been so fond of Him as a girl, so simple with Him. After repenting of my sin and being delivered, I started to really see God as the holy God that He was and is. But I somehow lost my closeness with Him in the middle of that. I was afraid of Him. I was afraid of failing Him. And I wasn't trusting in Him anymore, I was trusting in myself. It wasn't simple, now it was complicated. There was still that self-righteousness in me and any time I failed in any way, I thought for sure that I must not be a Christian, that I must not love the Lord; otherwise, I wouldn't have done this or that. And so my life became one of performance again. Before, I had been performing for my family and friends, putting on a good facade to cover up my sin. Now I was performing for a God I desperately wanted to please and be right with. I can't tell you how many times as I go back through my journals through the years, the same prayer is there. "God, I want to be secure in my salvation! I don't want to spend the rest of my life doubting my salvation!"

   Well, friends, God hears our prayers. And He ended up answering mine in a way I couldn't have imagined. He took my health away. Just utterly flattened me, physically. I remember one morning upon waking up shortly after this trial had begun, God spoke scripture to my heart that made me understand the purpose for this trial. The scripture was from Luke 22:31-32 and the Lord simply spoke to my heart, "Satan has asked to sift you like wheat, but I am praying that your faith will not fail." The moment I heard that, I knew. I knew that this was about the assurance of my salvation. I knew that this was about my faith being tried. I could not have imagined, however, how hard and long I would have to fight or how severe the battle would become.

   2. Anticipation of heaven: This was something else I prayed about. I did not have an excitement and anticipation of heaven. Whenever I thought about it, there was almost a feeling of dread when I thought of it never ending. That seemed a bit dull. I knew something was wrong and that my heart's response wasn't right. So I asked God to change my heart and my view about heaven. Goodness!! This trial has certainly done that! I yearn for heaven now. I am looking forward to it so very much! I still can't wrap my mind around forever and ever...that just makes me feel so funny! Haha! Something having no end just...wow! But something about having a physical problem that could well indeed last the rest of my life and knowing that it's not forever. That this trial is but for a moment and that heaven is forever and all will be right and perfect there and all suffering will be forever gone! I am so excited about heaven now!! =)

   3. Passion for the lost: When Gary and I were a young couple with just two small children, we went out with people from our fellowship and shared the gospel. We would go to shopping centers, parks, and various public places, sharing the gospel with people using tracts and having one-on-one conversations with people. I can't tell you how fulfilling this was. I remember the first night I went out and I came back just so filled, completely amazed at how rewarding it was. I remember writing a song that night about sharing the gospel. That night had a huge impact on me. And we kept doing it here and there through the years.

   Then as life got busier, we didn't go out as much. Our kids were older now and some of the conversations wouldn't have been appropriate for them to have heard, so there was the dilemma of one of us going and one of us staying. Neither of us really like that dilemma. My handing out tracts dwindled. I was busy and just needed to do my errands, not have passing out tracts to worry about, for crying out loud! Wow...writing that is sad. Pretty heartless of me, I know.

   Another baby came along and it was at the hospital that I realized something was wrong with me. I had a hard time giving our labor and delivery nurse a tract...I was almost embarrassed and ashamed to. And I couldn't get the guts up to give people tracts that came into the room to take care of the various things that are taken care of when you're in recovery. I would literally get all nervous and scared and freeze. I ended up just leaving a tract in the room before I left. Someone would find it, right? I started praying about this obvious decrease in passion for the lost. I didn't do much about it, to be honest. With a new baby and life now even busier, it wasn't a top priority. But it was on my heart and God knew that and He used my health crisis to get my attention and impress into me an awareness that I will never, ever forget for the rest of my life.

   When things with my health were at their worst, my body felt like it was literally on fire inside constantly. It was beyond agonizing. I really thought I was going to go crazy, it was that incredibly tormenting. I would just get through the day moment by moment, often praying, "God, You are my Keeper. Keep me right now. Keep my mind." I prayed that all throughout the day.

   There was a day when I said (either silently or out loud) something like, "This is hell...this must be what hell is like!" What followed immediately was God's reply of, "This is NOTHING compared to hell!" It was at that moment that I realized if what I was facing and experiencing was just even a tiny taste of hell, then people headed there have absolutely NO IDEA what they will experience. I mean, I can't even begin to describe the torment I was in, because it is completely beyond words. The only, only reason I am sane is because God kept me. That's the only reason, period. There were moments when I was on the brink of just losing it. This really got my attention and I saw that here was God answering another prayer. So completely unlike how I thought He would, but it was answered just the same. I got a tiny, minuscule taste of hell that made me not want anyone to experience even as much as I had.

   I'm honestly still working on this. I haven't actually gone out yet to talk one on one with people...not strong enough for that yet. But I've had other opportunities to share the gospel with others, like my old neighbor, relatives, here on line. I know it's not much, but it's something. And I've got to build back up to that place of having the confidence to just walk up to anyone and share the gospel. For me, it starts with putting tracts in my purse...I keep forgetting! My personal favorite is this one from Living Waters. It's small, has a thorough and biblical explanation of the gospel in it if all you can do at the moment is leave it by the sink in a restroom, on a table at a restaurant (with your generous tip), or simply put it into the hands of someone as you're leaving a grocery store, at a gas station, taking a walk...wherever!

   My 13-year-old is actually such an inspiration to me in this. She is so bold and passes out tracts a lot. She doesn't ever seem to forget to pack them in her purse! I need to be more like her and I need to get into following her example. It's true...there's a lot of excuses we can find to not do it. For myself, I just hardly go anywhere. But when I do, I can give tracts out...that's what I need to remember. That's a starting point. I've got to get back to sharing one on one. That is a goal of mine and by God's grace, I will get the strength back to hit the shopping centers and public areas and be able to handle the initial stress of that first one on one conversation. Whooo! That first one is the hardest, but it seems to get easier from there. Just talking about this makes me want to go out and do it! haha! =)

   So there you have it! The three very big, specific prayers that God used this health crisis to answer and remedy in my life. There are so many more prayers that have been answered, I could go on and on. But I wanted to concentrate on these three, because they were ones that had been on my heart for awhile and it just shows that God cares and He hears the cry of our hearts. My health trial has been a means of God's healing in spiritual areas that I couldn't remedy myself. It's interesting as you continue walking through a health problem, how many aspects of healing begin to emerge. My healing has been deep down inside of me so far.


  
   I've only got one more part in this series to share with you to wrap things up and then we're done. Thanks for hanging in there with me. If this has bored you to death, I'm so sorry!! But I needed to lay this foundation, so I could move on to sharing a journey with you that I mentioned in the second installment of this series. We'll be headed out soon! =)

God is always faithful and good,

Adriel

The Miracle of Healing Pt. 2

   If you missed The Miracle of Healing Pt. 1, take a few minutes to read it. It's somewhat of a backdrop to this post and will help you understand some things about me and may help you not jump to conclusions about me based on this post alone.

   I have put off writing this post for a number of reasons. Namely that I know writing this will be emotionally difficult, merely because of the transparency with which I am sharing, in addition to how very raw I am. I also think that what I write will be scrutinized and possibly criticized - I'm covering some topics that are a bit touchy. And finally, that it will mark the beginning of sharing a journey with you that I've known I needed to embark on, but have held back, not knowing if I'm strong enough to face it.

   I've only shared bits and pieces of the trial I've faced for almost two years with you. And I'm not even sure that I'm ready to go back and walk through the painful memories that are still so fresh and sometimes haunting, but I know I'm supposed to share my story in regard to the last couple of years. This post is a prelude to the journey I plan on taking in the near future. I hope you will join me.

   In The Miracle of Healing Pt. 1, I told you the story about the miraculous healing of our son. In these next parts, I'd like to talk about a different kind of healing that God has been doing in my life.

   I will be giving a lot more background and details in the proceeding posts, but I want to begin by telling you that I have been unwell for quite awhile, markedly following our second child's birth. For whatever reason, my body doesn't respond well to pregnancies and deliveries and with each one, my health has gotten worse and worse. The past two years have been the hardest and worst, following my most recent pregnancy and delivery in March 2012. 

I've prayed for physical healing, I've been anointed with oil twice and prayed over by elders of the church, and I've continued praying and believing that God can heal me. I pray every day for physical healing. I haven't been told by God to stop, so I continue to pray. I am completely confident that God can heal physical infirmities if He so wills. There is not a doubt in my mind about that.

   There are some who think a believer should never be sick, that God's will is for everyone to be physically healed and well, and that whatever you ask from God, you're going to get. I've been challenged to present verses that tell when Jesus did not heal or what diseases He did not conquer on the cross. I honestly am not up to a debate on this topic and to be completely truthful, the challenge from a certain individual left me feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me (because along with their challenge came some very strong words that were painful to hear when you've been sick for so long). If you share these views, I hope and pray that you are never faced with physical suffering that leaves you wondering what you did wrong, how you failed, or in what way your faith was too small. Before you judge someone who is sick, please try to have some compassion and consideration toward the individual who is suffering. You may be wrong.

   And briefly, I will say that while there are many miracles recorded in the Bible, there were also saints who were sick. Timothy was encouraged by Paul to drink a little wine for his frequent ailments (1 Timothy 5:23) and Paul had to leave behind a brother named Trophimus, who must have been terribly sick if he wasn't able to travel (2 Timothy 4:20). And to answer the question - which diseases are not subject to Christ, I say none. They are all subject to Him, but we live in a fallen world and sickness is part of the deal. One day, we are promised an eternal home where God will wipe every tear from our eyes and there will be no more death, sorrow, crying or pain (Revelation 21:4). If we weren't going to have any more pain and suffering in this life on earth, why would God promise us this for our life after we go to be with Him? So that's where I'm coming from. I believe God still heals physically and I've seen Him do it (just read part one of this series). But I also believe there are other ways He heals that are not so obvious to us.

   I want to focus on other ways God has been

healing me during these last nearly two years. This healing is not physical, but is, I believe, even more important. God has been healing my heart. He has been healing me spiritually. He has been healing me emotionally. He has been healing me mentally. 

   If God were to have answered my prayer for healing back when my health collapsed, maybe I would be physically healthy, but I would not be as spiritually healthy as I am today. I was so busy with life, I didn't have time to consider what I was thinking about my husband, why I was responding to certain situations in the manner I was, or how I was erroneously viewing God. I remember feeling like a chicken running around with its head cut off, barely keeping my head above water...yeah, the same one that was cut off! haha! No, but really, I was just barely surviving.

   And God cared about that. He cared about me. And God decided to intervene, even though He knew it was going to hurt me terribly and even make me angry at Him for a season. God saw the eternal and spiritual benefits of allowing me to go through a season of physical suffering. God cares much more about our spiritual health than our physical health and I am so thankful that He does.

 "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 4:2-4

   It's interesting to look back at the situation now and see all the prayers God has answered through this hardship. Prayers that I prayed months, even years before, God answered. There were three in particular that I'd like to share with you... (to be continued next time!)


   God is my Song in the night! This song has been an encouragement to me and continues to be. I hope it encourages you as well. =)

The Lord is my Healer,

Adriel

Click here for Part 3!

"Keep Me Walking" - Story Behind the Song

   There are a few songs that I don't remember the background of...the setting just escapes my memory. But for the majority of them, I do remember fairly well why/when I wrote them down.

   It's quite interesting, really, how these songs are like pictures. Snapshots of time. Forever memories.

   This song - wow. I read the words, I hear the melody and I remember the setting clearly (not to mention I've got a journal that helps if my memory ever gets hazy).

   There are details that I do not think are appropriate to share with you, as the background involves other people whom I don't wish to uncover publicly.

   I can tell you, however, that I felt like I was walking on slippery ground. The environment was dangerous. My desire was to walk uprightly before the Lord. I didn't know what else to do, but to cry out to my Father God to keep my steps safe and secure.

   And that is the key. Instead of focusing on how wrong other people are walking, focus on your walk, though it may be riddled with stumbling blocks from said people. Draw the circle around yourself, stay in the light, walk circumspectly, examine yourself...however you slice it up, do that. God will honor a sincere, humble cry for help. He wants to keep us from slipping, from taking those wrong steps. God is ready and willing. Pour your heart out to Him.

All glory to Jesus Christ,

Adriel

Bummer to Blessing - "Wait"

   Waiting on God isn't the easiest for us as human beings. We like to fix problems, get out of uncomfortable situations as quickly as possible and we would rather run away from trials than face them. Fortunately, we have a Father who knows what is best for us, His children.

   I got my journal out from when "Wait" was written in 2006. I was facing health challenges, there were some serious situations that friends were facing, our times of prayer with the brethren felt like battles, we had some heartbreaking things occur in our extended family, and it was the year we had left our beloved church family that Gary and I had spent our entire married life, up to that point, with, Gary having spent a few years prior to our marriage there as well. It was a tough time. It was difficult.

   I'm not going to try to make this blog all pretty and sweet and pretend like my life is perfectly wonderful when it's really not. I used to be really concerned with how I appeared to other people. I prided myself on looking like I had it all together, even when inside I was completely feeling insane. I could pull it off pretty well. I was good at fooling people, which is bad. Let's just say I was pretty much forced to let all that go for a period of time and I discovered that being real and authentic was a much better way of living than pretending like all was well when it really wasn't. I've always admired people who were real, because they were so relatable. Of course, I could never bring myself to be that real...people would find out I wasn't perfect!! <gasp>

   Needless to say, my posts are going to be raw and real, some more so than others, and the fact is that the other day I faced feelings of despair in regard to my health. As I struggled with my soul - to be thankful, content, submissive to God's will - the Lord put this song on my heart again. It was almost as if He said, "Remember that song?" Yeah, I remembered that song. I went looking for it in my folder of songs. I never did find it...had to print a new copy.

   Funny how long it's been since I played that song...a really long time. And although it was void of chords, I could still remember how to play it. So I made a video for whoever out there who needs some encouragement to wait on God. I sure do and it speaks to my heart! What seemed like a bummer became a blessing. Isn't that so neat how God can do that? He's so amazing!

   
   By the way, I've seen different people stating what their word of the year is. After taking a little step back and looking at what God has been putting on my heart so far, I think it's safe to say that my word for this year is "WAIT".

   I wish I could say that I am thrilled. I'm not. My flesh says, "Not more waiting!" But I know God will get my heart to where He wants it to be. My prayer is that I learn to wait...without wandering and without doubting. That my faith would be strengthened as I wait. Hey, the Bible is full of promises for those who wait! And that's an encouragement to me. So with that in mind, here is one of my favorite scripture promises regarding waiting on the Lord:

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk,
and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

Waiting,

Adriel 

A Year of Answered Prayer - "Hiding Place"

   Last New Year's Eve, our family prayed that this year (2013) would be a year of answered prayer. I could not have foreseen how many prayers God would answer, some of which I am probably even still unaware of. I would like to highlight a few as I take a look back on 2013.

- God's gracious intervention in my desperate health situation. I'm not 100% yet, but God has been so faithful to get me to where I am today. I am very grateful to be alive. =)

- My grandparents' move to Arizona which seemed like an impossibility for a number of reasons. God is the God of the impossible! It happened so fast, we couldn't believe it!

- God leading us to a church family. The day I walked in, I felt like I was home.

- And my favorite: Our son surrendering his life to Christ and becoming a born-again believer. That was such a tremendous blessing! =)

   There are so many more, too many to name. We also saw prayers answered in families we were praying for.

   But I feel so humbled to even name the four above. So humbled that the God that created this vast universe cares about me, smaller than a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things.

   I am so humbled by God's love for me. It is truly an amazing thing!

   And God gave me so many songs in 2013! Songs I know that are for others as much as they are for me. Here is a rough version of one of them - "Hiding Place":



   I am looking forward to sharing more of these songs with you in the upcoming New Year - 2014!

   My prayer for each of you this coming New Year would be that God would take you to higher heights and greater depths, that you would know Him in a deeper way and love Him more and more as each day goes by. A blessed New Year to all of you!

 "But just as it is written, "THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD, AND WHICH HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN, ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM." 

1Cr 2:9 NASB

A broken vessel saved by grace,

Adriel